Gatekeepers (another revision)
Gatekeepers His spaniel rushed to greet him when he died. A splendid golden gate marked Heaven was near. A Seraph said, “Dogs aren’t allowed in here, but you, my friend, are welcome; step inside.”...
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Nice one, David!The end of L2 seems weakish to me. And I'm not keen on being told in L3 that a Seraph spoke only to find out later that this was no Seraph.Possible fix:A splendid golden gate marked...
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Thanks, Duncan.Do you think your edit might take the punch out of the close? I think a jeering angel would pretty obviously be a false one.Best regards,David
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Fair point, David. Maybe "loomed" and "boomed" would be better than "appeared" and "jeered".Duncan
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And for the 3rd time, I try to type this, the internet having eaten my other attempts... If it's a problem, perhaps you could just switch angel and seraph, so that you have an angel saying, and...
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Thanks, Chelle; good comment.I'm inclining towards "homely city".Best,David
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Does 'homely' still mean 'home-like' over there? Here it's gotten more the meaning of ugly. Homey without the l has the first meaning for us.
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I really enjoyed your poem. My only two cents would say that to me the word homely now has a rather negative definition. As in - not attractive. But, your poem is beautiful and it was a pleasure to...
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Thanks, Chelle, DK.I didn't know about the difference between US and Brit meaning of 'homely'.'Graceful', perhaps: I've tried that above.Best,David
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I look forward to more poems, more rewrites, David. For my two cents (US), it's more delicious to make the reader assume that the voice was angelic without being told so outright. Not that it doesn't...
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Hi David,I really enjoy the overall theme and the lesson. I'm new to this so I'll leave the technical stuff to the pros but I also get the sense that this poem isn't done with you yet. I look...
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Hi DA While I like the idea of the piece, I don't think the word heaven works at all in either position both accent and discovery wise. But then I can't think of another two syllable word that would...
View ArticleRe: Gatekeepers (another revision)
Mike, Dev, Jasp,Many thanks for the further comments and suggestions. I'll bear them in mind in revision.Best regards,David
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